The Muppificent Seven
(a parody, originally posted on the Posse list in 1999)

by Terrance K. Harrington


"The Pilot"

Nathan: "Ay! Bergen de borgen yurgen, hurkey murgen dorgen..."

Ezra : "I say-ed tha ahms fine."

Nathan: "Ho-kay Do-kay..."

Ezra turns away, and Nathan grabs his shoulder and pulls, ripping the arm completely out of the socket.

Nathan: "Uh oh..."


JD (to Josiah, who has fallen): "Hey! You're bleedin'! Why didn't you say somethin'?"

Josiah (groggy): "Passing out from the pain might have had something to do with it..."

Chris: "Well, how did you get shot?"

Josiah: "Bad guys pointing guns my way and pulling the trigger would be my guess."

Buck: "You no hide?"

Josiah: "Behind WHAT?!? I'm 10 feet tall and I'm canary yellow, fer crissake... a lit-tle hard to miss..."

Chris: "Well, there is ONE good thing about it..."

Josiah: "Yeah? Like what?"

Chris: "You really ARE a hole-y man now..."

The others (except Josiah) break into laughter, Josiah attempts to get up and run away when Nathan pulls a meat cleaver from his pocket...

Josiah: "AHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhh....."


Vin moves down the boardwalk following the hanging party, glancing over at Chris, who nods... both men look to see a woman, Mary Travis, has stepped in front of the procession, holding a shotgun.

Vin shudders when he sees her: (under his breath) "Whoa! Crops musta been good this year!"

Mary (pointing the gun at the leader): "There will be no hanging today."

Leader: "Little lady, get out of the road afore you git cherself hurt."

Mary: "You heard me! Release this man!"

Leader (leaning forward): "Well, now. I reckon I'ma gonna hafta see ya fire that thing. It's as big as you!"

Chris: (under his breath) "I'm not sure ANYTHING'S that big."

Mary: "Very well, then..." (She pulls the trigger, and a banner with 'BANG!' comes out the front of the gun. Looking directly at camera) "The prop man will definitely be seeing me..."

Leader (turning to others): "Let's go boys!" (laughter)

The men ride right over Mary Travis, trampling her into the mud...


Col Anderson (looking around at the men stationed in defensive positions): "Well, well. We have a buncha humanitarians here..."

Vin: "Actually, I'm Lutheran...and generally opposed to violence. Especially if it's likely I'm the one getting hurt."

Col Anderson: "An' Ah suppose you ain't doing this for the gold?..."

Ezra (pausing): "Gold?"


Chris (to the chiefs): "40 men? There's at least 40 men out there!"

Vin: "47 men and one rat" (waving at the rat, who waves back)

Chris (to Vin): "Thank you Mr. Spock..."

Chief: "Well, I asked if 20 men would frighten you..."

Chris: "20 no... 40..."

Vin: "47... and a rat."

Chris: "47 and a rat... yes! Yes, I am a bit edgy about 47 men!"

Vin: "And a rat."

Both the chiefs and Chris look at Vin.

Vin: "Hey, I have to mention him. He getting union scale." (The rat waves)

Chris: "Don't you have a rock to hide behind or fall off or something?"

Vin: "I can take a hint..." (leaves the scene)

Assistant Chief: "Mememememeeeme mememeememeeemeee mee."

Chris: "Yes, he is a little hard to understand sometimes..."


Ezra (to the children, who are also paid union scale): "Well, there are five types of bravery in the world. There are those who never back down from a challenge, no matter how impossible the odds, because they don't know any better... like them..." (points at Chris and Vin) "Then, there are those who avoid confrontation, but will fight when they have no choice, like them..." (points at Buck and Josiah)
"There's those who fight because they are young and reckless and lucky enough to not be dead yet, like him..."

(JD comes into the screen) "And there are those those who fight because their English is bad and they don't understand the words 'I surrender, don't shoot me' like him..." (points to Nathan)

One of the children: "But that is only four... what is the fifth kind?"

Ezra: "AhhhAAAAAHHHHHhhhhhhh... that's the BEST kind of courage. Those who fight because they will be paid a lot of gold. Like me!"

Child: "Gold? We have no gold."

Ezra: "Well, silver will do in a pinch. Can never have too much silver..."

Child: "We have no silver, either."

Ezra: "Copper?"

Child shakes his head negative.

Ezra: "Hmmmmmm... well, what DO you have?"

Child: "We have corn."

Ezra: "Corn... no iron? Lead? Zinc?"

Child: "We have corn."

Ezra (pasuing for a moment's reflection): "Bye."


Nonlinear Scene Change (Having seen too much Tarintino)

"Wo-mun! Wo-mun! Yahhhhhhh!" Buck cooed romantically in his lover's ear as he held her close.

"I know yer in there with another man!" the shout came from out the door, as banging commenced.

"That's my husband! He must be home from jail!" She shrieks softly, tossing Buck out the window.

"GAAAHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" Buck plead his case as he hurtled through the air, THUDing at Chris' feet.

Above them, the door crashed opened to the woman's room, and the light-haired mutt smiled sardonically, "Sorry, Ma'am. Uh, like, Wrong room." As he started out he played with the splintered fragment of the door frame. "You might wanna, like, uh have this seen about."

Chris shook his head, with a knowing little smile on his face.

Buck pulled himself to his feet, and spying his old friend, rushed over to embrace him in a vicelike hug, shouting joyfully, "Chris! Chris! War-frog! Ahhhh!"

Chris' eyes bulged out further than usual, as he replied: "Burrrrk... Yerr hurrrting meeeee"

Vin comes out the door. "Oh. If you two need to be alone, I'll go grab a drink... What's that Chris? And, you're awful green... more than usual, that is..."

Chris: "hep. hep me. pliz hep me."

Vin: "Sorry, I'm not into threesomes. Perhaps later, when I've had too much to drink..."


Pulling himself up with splintered table and chair draped around his neck, Ezra drawled: "Eh slipped on the deb-bree..."

Chris: "Say, that was pretty good shooting for somebody tripping over an entire card table. With players at it, I might add."

Ezra: "Simply attracious. I was shooting for his head."

Chris: "Yeah, but look at the bright side. Ya got four bystanders with one bullet and four blanks."

Ezra: "Have YOU ever shot bystanders before."

Chris: "No, but I've REALLY wanted to. It looks like fun."

Chris pulls his guns and the crowd flees.

Ezra: "Gee! Would you really have shot innocent people?"

Chris: "I'm not sure. They always run away before I make up my mind..."


Top Hat Bob glared at the men poised against him, steam coming out his ears.

Vin: "You know, I'd really tell you to lose the hat, but given the overall ugliness of your face, the distraction may be a good thing."

Chris nooded in agreement: "I've seen the backsides of gassy mules that were purtier."

Buck casually sauntered by Bob toward the boardwalk, taunting THB with his rapier wit: "Sis-sy hat! Sis-sy hat!"


JD fairly leaped onto his horse, determined he could ride with the others. "But I can ride!" he exclaimed, "I can shoot..."

He fired his guns, but spooked his mount. Bucking, it threw him through the afternoon air.

Ezra: "He can fly!"

JD riccochetted off the stable wall.

Buck: "He BOUNCE!"

JD caroomed off the boardwalk, crashed off the overhang, and landed, hard, in the water trough.

Chris: "And he can swim!"

After a moment, the water settled back down, but JD didn't resurface. Then, a few bubbles burst on the surface *bloop, bloop, bloop!*

Vin: "So, swimming's not his strong suit. He sinks pretty good though."

The others nodded as they turned to ride off...


The big yellow bird, older and wiser than the others, sat down with the young frog and Buck. Taking the bottle, he said solemnly, "I am a spiritual man." Then, he took a deep swig of the fluid, only to spit it out gagging and coughing. Looking at the elixir, he gasped, "What the HELL is THIS?!?"

JD: "Some corn mash I strained through old socks."

Josiah: "Did you CLEAN them, first?!?"

JD looked blankly at him, then turned to Buck : "Ya know, that might explain the aftertaste..."


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